I’ve been re-listening to the General Conference talks from this month (okay, let’s be honest, listening for the first time in some cases because I fell asleep), and I have been noticing that I cannot help but cry every time I hear any talk related to missionary work. Actually, I cry at any talk that is related in any way to sharing the gospel or seeing people as the Lord sees them. There were many talks about that this conference, and I am always so glad when I am in the shower when they come on so I can conveniently cry it down the drain like Tobias Funke. It’s because of the people I came to know on my mission. They are not “my converts,” I was just blessed enough to have the opportunity to participate in their conversion and to witness the Spirit working on these people and moving them to change their lives. It has been 12 years since I returned from my mission, but for some reason I feel more strongly than ever the importance of that time in my life.
I cry because I miss that time in my life, even though it was hands down one of the most difficult. I also cry because I miss the people and I feel somewhat guilty that I haven’t kept in touch with them as much as I could. I worry about them and pray while I cry that the Lord is supporting them through other ward members and other missionaries. But mostly I cry because I am so grateful for that experience, and regret that I don’t feel the same degree of love toward all human beings that I did at that time. And perhaps this is selfish, but I LOVED who I was when I felt that way toward others. It took work to get to that point. But by the end of my mission, I felt so empowered by love and by the power of God, it was a beautiful feeling. I was my best self. No one could upset me, I was completely at peace. I fully recognized the truth that I was in control of only my actions, and that the actions of others were not my responsibility. The strength of the Spirit helped me to react to others only with love, and it was amazing.
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| Teaching Salvador Luna. At this point I was still working toward peace - Azusa, CA |
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| Sneaking into an apartment complex to teach Graciela Salas - Azusa, CA |
Aren’t we supposed to become a better person every day? Aren’t we supposed to be only progressing or regressing? Is it possible for anyone to maintain the level of the spirit one had as a missionary? It must be, but how is it done? Logically, I assume one would have to perform many of the same tasks, such as studying the scriptures for 2 hours a day and speaking to everyone you see about the truth of the gospel of Jesus Christ. At least for me, speaking to people openly and gregariously about the gospel was one of the most spiritually strengthening activities I have ever experienced. I came to love knocking doors. It was kind of exhilarating and also helped me rely on the Spirit more than I might have otherwise. It helped me feel the Spirit a great deal, and a large part of it was the fact that I was testifying to total strangers about the most true principles in the universe. Yes, that sounds a little dramatic. But it’s accurate.
Okay, but now that I am a 35 year old stay-at-home parent with depression and fatigue, should I really add to my list that I think I’m still a missionary and living in the past? I actually remember feeling that way at one time when I went back to visit an area in my mission. I served a Spanish-speaking mission in California - the Arcadia Mission. The area I spent the most time in and finished my mission in is called Tujunga. I lived in San Diego after my mission for a number of years and therefore was able to drive up to LA area easily if I felt like visiting. One of my last visits, I bore my testimony in Relief Society (or Sociedad de Socorro) and for some reason, I felt very pathetic. My Spanish was not as good as it had once been, and one of the sisters looked at me with what I could only describe as “loving pity.” I think she felt that I was having trouble moving on from my life as a missionary. She wasn’t totally wrong, but there were also many other reasons for my pathetic-ness which might not have been immediately apparent. Single life many years after finishing a mission is never a good feeling (if you prefer to get married), but that’s a topic for another post.
No, I don’t think it’s practical to literally replicate my activities as a full-time missionary, although it sounds kind of fun. (Sometimes I worry that the only reason I care what other people think is because it keeps me from slipping into insanity. Like seriously, it would be dangerously easy for me to stop caring what people think, but I know it would be bad for my mental health.) So what is the answer? Several pamphlets my mission president gave me at the end of my mission indicated that it was possible to maintain such a level of spirituality after the mission by continuing scripture study, prayer, church and temple attendance, etc. Uh, yeah, seems a bit obvious. But doing those things doesn’t seem to be sufficient to produce the closeness to the Spirit and ultimately (what I miss most) the charity toward my fellow man that I once enjoyed.
Perhaps praying for charity and to see others as the Lord sees them is more helpful than I once thought. Lack of consistency is a weakness of mine, and praying is very difficult for me. Even as a missionary, I struggled with prayer because of lack of focus. It’s always been hard. But prayer is work, according to an excellent talk by Elder David A. Bednar. In short, these are the things I need to improve:
- Praying for charity (and to see others as the Lord sees them)
- Consistent prayer and scripture study
- Meaningful church attendance (and let’s be honest, staying for all meetings in spite of nap schedule demands - both mine AND my toddler’s)
- Consistent and frequent temple attendance
- Praying to have opportunities to share the gospel with those around me
